2011 was a rotten year for me. Nothing catastrophic occurred; just lots of low-grade suck that, added up, made for a year of anxiety, shame, debt, and stress.
A lot was outside influences, but I admit that the source of much of the angst is laid squarely at my own feet. I squandered too much precious time, didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t drop the weight I wanted to, lost a lot of healthy-eating habits.
It wasn’t all bad. I started taking running seriously and ran a 10K last month–an accomplishment I take a fair amount of pride in. Despite general shittiness, I was happy a lot. I finished a writing goal and started a new project. I survived my first year as the parent of a teenager, a year that put me back in touch with the mothering instincts I had put on autopilot. I made things, pretty things, out of cloth and yarn.
So now, at the cusp of a new year, looking ahead I’m hopeful.
There will be some anxiety–I start a new job in less than two weeks. This, apart from helping my new employer vending food this summer, will be my first work outside the home (not counting jobs in other studios as a sub-contractor) since just before Scout was born. I’ve been self-employed for almost 14 years; going back out into the working world, not doing glass art, will be *ahem* interesting. I have to relate to the Public At Large and fellow employees like a normal person, not a reclusive misanthrope.
The past few years of little work-for-pay meant I was happy to be responsible for the majority of the household chores. Me getting a job will mean asking more of Spouse and Spawn in stepping up to help. This will necessitate a huge amount of letting go on my part. One would think I would be grateful for the other residents of this home to share more of the load…but I envision guilt for asking for help, trying to continue to do it all, then the inevitable shame for my anger and resentment. We’ll figure it out eventually.
More than anything though, it means I have got to regain my ability to be organized (I had it once upon a time, I swear!). And turn my back on procrastination. Writing daily is non-negotiable. Finishing a first draft of my novel is my main goal (that and getting out of debt). In order to do this, not have the house fall down around our shoulders, and stay sane, I must rid myself of ingrained wasteful, unhealthy behavior. I must maximize my time. Out with the old, bad; in with the new and good. I am up for this. I can do it.
So welcome 2012! I look forward to sinking my teeth into you!
Well that was the first post on my new WP blog. I think I’ll like it here. In closing, the song that’s been in my head for the past two days.